I prefer to write posts about my children, I don’t feel comfortable writing about myself. But this Blog is part of my therapy and allowing myself to let go of certain thoughts that constantly run through my head. For the first time since March, when I started my Blog, I’ve doubted if it’s the right thing to do, but when I’ve helped other’s in a similar situation by sharing my experiences it’s so rewarding and by having my posts shared on Facebook groups and websites such as Family Fund, Learning SPACE and SMILE centre, certainly make me feel like I must be doing something right. I have such a high functioning brain, I always need to feel like I’m learning something and as I’m not at work at the moment, the research I do and the experiences I write help to keep my brain active.
Anxiety has been with me since I can remember, I started biting my nails at 3 years old and can clearly remember points in my childhood where I feel most stressed about certain things, down to even my first days at starting a new school, even the smells and sounds I experienced and how nervous it made me feel. I have always tried to be everyone’s friend to keep everyone happy and to avoid disagreements and confrontations, but over the years this has become increasingly harder to do, since I’ve had children I’ve had to become braver to say what I think and really feel, especially if its related to their safety or best interests. I am a strange person as I describe myself! The real me is very hard to get along with! I’ve had, for the first time in my life, had experiences in the past year where people have clearly expressed that they don’t like me, or what I believe in and this has been very difficult for me to accept, for the first time in my life I have been called “nasty.” My anxiety is made worse by the thought that people are talking about me behind my back and making disapproving comments. I wish I just simply didn’t care! I often find that people do not openly ask me about why I choose to do certain actions, often ending in them making the wrong assumptions and not receiving the clear picture. I’ve always described myself as a ‘pushover’ and if someone said “jump” I’d say “how high?!” I have always been easy to influence and manipulate. I’d go along with things and agree, even if deep down, I didn’t truly feel that it was necessarily a good thing to do. And these weren’t only small decisions, I’m talking about extremely important, life changing decisions. For the first time in my life I’ve had to make decisions without outside influences and therefore if these decisions turn out to be the wrong ones, I only have myself to blame!
How I have dealt with this over the past year is to not associate with the individuals who can’t see the journey that we’re going through with Lou, and how much strain it puts on our family life, even though she cannot help it at all. I may make crazy decisions or say strange things as my head is often focused on Lou. It is also my role as a parent to protect both of my children from influences that I deem to not be appropriate role models, and again I’m left to look like the one who’s in the wrong but I am just doing my job as a mum. Especially because Lou is such an impressionable and switched on child who listens and takes everything in and then repeats it!
I’m always saying that I feel that I should be able to cope better with Lou’s additional needs, especially the behaviour she displays, there are plenty of parents out there who are coping far better, but this is me, and unfortunately I do have a lower coping threshold than some. I am often saying that “this is me, I simply cannot change who I am” unfortunately I can’t wave a magic wand and make myself cope with things better.
I have been so greatful to recently talk to someone else, that for the first time in my life, that feels the same as I do. It was a massive relief to talk to someone who can understand what I’m going through.
I had a pretty crazy week last week, hence the lack of posts.
Anyway, with my current anxiety demons to fight, I want to explain why anxiety isn’t my friend!
Anxiety you’re not my friend…
– You make me worry about absolutely everything, even the smallest things.
– You make my chest tight and I feel so helpless and it’s difficult to make things better.
– You make me paraniod, that people are dissing me behind my back.
– You make me over-think and over-analyse everything and everything!
– You make me focus on one thing and it’s difficult for me to think about anything else.
– You make me worry about going into public places, especially if someone is there that doesn’t like me!
– You make me on edge and my daughter plays on that as she’s so hypersensitive to my mood.
– You make me sick of the sound of my own voice.
– You make me question my every action.
Anixety, you’ve been there throughout most of my life…
… you’re definitely not my friend!
Thanks for reading 🙂
Sorry that I’m harping on again! 🙂